December 30, 2014

"Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me. 'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see. I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe . . ."

- Edge of Desire, Battle Studies

Love surpasses religion. It surpasses beliefs. I met this amazing girl when we were both religious, and even though I'm not so much anymore and she still is very much so, I still love her.

It sucks how things like religion can cause so much hate and division in the world. Two people who want to be together can't because, for example, if the girl denounces her faith for the guy (or another girl), she'll be executed or at best ostracized by her community.

Why is it so damn hard to love? People wonder why I've never had a relationship. It's because the girls I loved wouldn't let me love them. Maybe I tend to come on a bit strong, I'll admit. But when I know I want something, I don't half-ass it. I'm all in. My question to the single ladies out there is: Can you handle my love?

That doesn't mean I'll be sprinkling rose petals on the floor, writing them songs every day or getting them expensive dinners all the time. Or even saying "I love you" every five minutes, or having sex every hour. But it might mean me gazing at my girl in awe every so often, so glad to have her in my life, knowing that I'll always be there for her.

And love is something that for the most part is unspoken. Where two people just look into each other's eyes and they know.

People make love so complicated, but it's not. Like the Barney ending song: I love you, you love me. Simple as that.

Ode to a great coach

I remember where I was when Jim Harbaugh was hired. I was at a local frozen yogurt place, sitting on my ass in front of my laptop using the free wi-fi because I was too cheap (and poor) to get my own. Not only that, but I was hating work and refusing to do it, acting like a spoiled child. 

Anyway, the predictions weren't great. At most, the 49ers were expected to win 8 games and Harbaugh's rah-rah style wouldn't last very long. Then boom, boom, boom. Three straight NFC championship games, including an appearance in the Super Bowl that came down to the final five yards and four downs.

All of a sudden Jim Harbaugh was being compared to the best coaches in the NFL, and even to the best of all time. He was being compared to Bill Belichick, the man with 3 rings and who came damn near close to two more, and who hadn't had a .500 or worse season in God knows how long.

So when the rumblings came about that the front office had made overtures to trade Harbaugh to the Cleveland Browns, it sent shockwaves throughout the Niner Nation. What? The guy just came off his 3rd straight NFC championship and was a touchdown away from going back to the Super Bowl! The man had a combined record of 36-11-1 his first three seasons in the NFL! How could they even consider such a thing?

But the fans have been blinded. No, I'm not going where most have gone. I'm not going to psychoanalyze Harbaugh or talk about his strained relationships with his bosses at all his stops, from the University of San Diego to Stanford to San Francisco/Santa Clara. I'm strictly talking football.

With that said, the real reason for the 49ers success has been Mr. Vic Fangio. Yes, Vic Fangio. The one who, despite wanting to be a head coach, shies from the spotlight, unlike Harbaugh, who wants his own version of Barnum & Bailey to revolve around him. Fangio, the mastermind behind 4 straight top 5 defenses, which was especially impressive this season considering he was without Navorro Bowman, Patrick Willis and Aldon Smith, 3 of the top 10 linebackers in football, for much of the season (and in Bowman's case, all of it). The secondary was pretty much brand new, and the D-line, outside of Justin Smith, struggled to generate a ton of pass rush, not to mention Glenn Dorsey, last year's solid nose tackle, like Bowman was out the whole season.

People act like the 49ers were the Jacksonville Jaguars or even the Oakland Raiders when Harbaugh rode into town on his white horse, when the reality is they already had a respected defense. Going into 2010 there were playoff expectations, except it turned out Mike Singletary, while entertaining, was a horrible head coach. 

The 49ers already had a top 10 defense when Harbaugh arrived and just needed some offensive competency, which they seemed to have for the first three seasons. But much of the credit for the first season and a half has to go to Alex Smith, who took an offense that had basically one legit deep threat in Vernon Davis, a talented, if young, offensive line, and a great running back in Frank Gore and made it good enough to go 19-5, of course riding on the back of Fangio's stellar defenses.

Then came the whole "hot hand" garbage. If that "hot hand" issue sounds familiar to Michigan and Tom Brady followers, it should, as Brady was caught in a similar situation his last year at Michigan. Although he had proven himself his junior year with 10 wins, they recruited a Michigan state high school hero in Drew Henson who had "limitless potential". So Lloyd Carr did the most idiotic thing any head coach could do: He started Brady, who would generally do well, then play Henson in the 2nd quarter and then decide at halftime who would start the 2nd half. So much for continuity.

After that experiment failed, mainly because Henson wasn't quite ready to play significant minutes, Carr wised up and went with Brady the rest of the season, which resulted in a huge bowl win over Alabama. 

Alex Smith was playing his best football, coming off a game against Arizona, who had I believe the top passing defense in the NFL at the time, in which he was 18 of 19 for 232 yards (a 12.21 yard-per-attempt average), and 3 touchdowns. He took care of the ball and generally made good decisions while being accurate, which was perfect for this team that relied on a great defense.

Yet Harbaugh, due to his incredible ego, was just waiting for the chance to put his new toy Colin Kaepernick in, and, well, it looked like the right move. Despite stinkers against the St. Louis Rams and Seattle (which would become a common occurrence), he showed a rifle arm and gazelle speed, and took advantage of coordinators who really had no way to prepare for him, and it almost led to a Super Bowl victory. Kaepernick, Cam Newton, and Robert Griffin III were considered the new breed of quarterbacks who could not only beat teams with their arms but with their legs as well, and the read-option was supposed to revolutionize the NFL.

Two years later, it's safe to say those coordinators have caught up, and the three revolutionary quarterbacks have plateaued at best and, in the case of Griffin, are hanging on to their NFL lives. The Niners tried to make Kaepernick the center of the offense the last two seasons, and that has mostly failed. While Kaepernick has had his moments, the fact is when it came time to make the plays in key moments, or even routine plays like checkdowns to the freaking running back, he has mostly fallen short. The issues he had in 2012 are still there: ball-handling, pocket awareness and reading defenses, and even his accuracy has fallen off.

And that brings us back to Harbaugh. It seems as if he went all in on Kaepernick, not only basically kicking Smith to the curb, but also by bringing in mediocre backup quarterbacks. Colt McCoy and Blaine Gabbert were the best he could do? Really? And this constant praising of Kaepernick, calling him "great with a capital G" before he stunk it up against the Seahawks and Raiders.

Not to mention hanging on to Greg Roman, whose act had worn thin going into this season. Everyone and their mother knew Roman was a liability, yet Harbaugh not only kept him, similar to Kaepernick, he gave him high praise. 

There were only 3 things Harbaugh had to do not only for the Niners to possibly win a Super Bowl but also possibly keep him around: 1) get along with York and/or Baalke, 2) keep Alex Smith as starter, and 3) replace Greg Roman. If he would have done even two of those things, especially No. 1, maybe the Niners are in the playoffs and he's got an extension.

But this isn't just about bashing Harbaugh. It's about acknowledging Fangio's greatness. Even in the midst of this madness, Fangio has remained steady. As mentioned, his defense this year continued to be among the NFL's elite despite missing so many key players to injury or suspension; aside from the aforementioned Bowman, Willis and Aldon Smith, Brock also missed a ton of time and was never 100% when he got back, and even Chris Cook, who was a disappointment in Minnesota, showed flashes of good play until he went down with injury. Yet despite all that, the Niners seemed to just plug guys in, like Chris Borland, Aaron Lynch, Dan Skuta and Dontae Johnson and remain very good on defense.

It says something that Fangio never made a peep all these years. He certainly could have. Unlike Greg Roman, who's like Jim Harbaugh's rescue dog, Fangio's paid his dues in the NFL. He got his start as the New Orleans Saints linebackers coach in 1986 (and those linebackers were consistently among the best in the NFL with guys like Sam Mills), then became a defensive coordinator in Carolina, Indianapolis, and Houston from 1995-2005 before becoming the special assistant to the head coach in Baltimore under Brian Billick and then John Harbaugh, before John let him join Jim's staff at Stanford, possibly as a favor (same as basically gifting Anquan Boldin to the Niners for a 6th round pick). 

Fangio could have added fuel to the already inferno-hot controversy, but he hasn't, which speaks volumes about his character. He's just a football guy, who punches the clock, does his job to the fullest extent, and then clocks out at the end of the day. No cute shenanigans, just handles his business and puts out great defenses on a mostly weekly basis.

Fangio's defenses have kept the 49ers in position to win all these seasons, and as long as the offense didn't stink it up, they had a chance to win. But this season, the offense did stink, and that is why the Niners are where they are now, getting ready to watch 6 others NFC teams in the playoffs. 

It's easy for me to say this now, but I drank the Harbaugh Kool-Aid for 3-plus years. I thought he could do no wrong. I believed Kaepernick was the future. Yet this season the blinders came off and man, reality hurts. 

But I think from the ashes of disappointment could arise a phoenix. And I don't mean Arizona, although what Bruce Arians has done with that team, going through four starting quarterbacks and still making the playoffs (which a lot of people would say can't be done), and winning 21 games in his first two seasons, is amazing. 

I like Jim Tomsula a lot, but let's face it: He only has one game of NFL head coaching experience, and although he was previously a head coach, it was in NFL Europe, where even the Jaguars could probably dominate. But I'm all for Fangio as the next head coach. After this 3-ring circus that was the Jim Harbaugh era, the Niners need someone who represents stability, steadiness, and strength, and that is Fangio. People say he's a loose cannon like Harbaugh, but I'm okay with that; at least he treats people like adults and doesn't play mind games with them. 

People are crying and bitching about the great Jim Harbaugh leaving town, but I feel like if Fangio gets a chance to take over, the Niners will not only get to that same level, they could even surpass it. It remains to see how the offensive side of the ball will be addressed and who the Niners get to coach that side (I think Kyle Shanahan is intriguing as the offensive coordinator, as he managed to make RGIII and Brian Hoyer look like decent NFL quarterbacks, and I don't blame him for Manziel's play because I don't think even God could make Manziel a solid NFL quarterback, plus there's the Shanahan bloodlines), and if Fangio is promoted, who replaces him as the defensive coordinator (although Tomsula, secondary coach Ed Donatell or linebackers coach Jim Leavitt could possibly fill that role) or if it's possible Fangio even could do both roles.

Either way, Fangio as head coach would be a refreshing change, and even though it's vanilla to a lot of folks, especially the Harbaugh fanboys (and fangirls), at this point vanilla sounds delicious compared to the sloppy mixture of random flavors and toppings that was the Harbaugh era.

Change is scary. I get it. But change can also be great. There's all these idiot "fans" (who probably weren't even fans until the Niners started winning from 2011-2013) who think with Harbaugh goes the Niners chances to be relevant, and they say stupid shit like "Only the faithful believe 100% in Harbaugh and Kaepernick". But I've followed sports enough to know that change is inevitable, and true fans want what's best for their teams. Maybe this is what's best. It worked for the Chicago Bulls, who despite enjoying unprecedented success under Doug Collins replaced him with a relatively unknown assistant coach in Phil Jackson who led them to 6 titles in 8 seasons. It's looking like it's working for the Warriors, who had 47 and 50 win playoff seasons under Mark Jackson before replacing him with Steve Kerr, who has them off to the best start in franchise history.

People are crucifying Jed York and Trent Baalke right now, but I hope in a couple of years, or even next year, those people with have their mouths full of crow as the Niners not only get back to the playoffs and make a deep run but win it all. Chances are they do it with a different quarterback at the helm, as Kaepernick's new deal doesn't kick in until 2016 and the Niners can cut him before April 1 of that year, but I believe they'll get back, especially if Fangio is the replacement and Baalke continues to get quality players.

Just some quick updates:

So while I'll still trade in my Zoom G5, I might either just save the cash or use some of it on a Boss RC-1 Looper Pedal. It's a bit more pricey than either the Digitech JamMan Express XT or the TC Electronic Ditto (both are about $100; the Boss is about $130), but it's more durable than the Digitech and has the LED light that indicates what recording function I'm in, which someone as scatterbrained as I am needs. I plan on just using it for practice for now, but I might use it on live shows for some cool looping functions. Maybe I can like lay down a piano track then do some licks and solos over it, or something like that.

I'll still have my Vox AC1RhythmVox and I'll have to dust off my trusty Line 6 Pocket Pod Express as my "effects unit". (sigh) It's tough being a musician on a substitute educator's budget, but that's the reality of it. Hopefully if I work my ass off I can actually make money with this music thing. That's the dream.

I just had a brainstorm, especially for all the John Mayer fans out there: Back when I used to go to church, we had these things called daily devotionals, which was basically a Bible verse with the author's insights underneath. Maybe I'll do a similar thing, except instead of Bible verses it'll be John Mayer song lyrics. How does that sound?

Nerdy Guitar Gear

So I got a Zoom G5 over the summer, and while it's a nice piece of technology and I've had fun with it, I think I'm ready to take a more minimalistic approach, or at least something a bit simpler.

The G5 is certainly simple enough, but it's kind of overwhelming having all those amp models and effects at your disposal, and I really only use a couple of the amp models and pedals. I also want something a little more tactile; I feel the G5 is a bit too techie and computerized for me. It's why I'm reluctant to use the Garageband amps and effects.

I think I was also awed by the idea of having all these amps and effects at my disposal, when skill-wise I'm not ready for it. I want to improve my chops before I start experimenting with effects. I guess it's like wanting to be a better painter or drawer before I start using more colors.

I'm planning to trade in my G5 and my Vox RhythmVox amp for cash so I can get a Vox Mini5, which is a beefed-up version of the RhythmVox that has a ton of different rhythms, plus a smaller library of amp models and effects, and maybe put away the rest of the money.

I also feel like I made too huge a leap, that I bit off more than I could chew. My previous effects unit was a freaking Line 6 Pocket Pod Express, which had like 6 amp models and 8 effects. But it was a ton of fun, though.

They say "Don't grow up too fast". I guess that applies to the guitar, too. I want to be a freaking beast, but I have to progress at my own pace. And if that means taking the "less is more" approach, then so be it.

Going For It

Fuck it. I'm doing it. I've put it off far too long.

I'm pursuing an Associate of Arts in Music at Skyline College. While I would love to go to a school like Berklee in Boston, I just don't have the money. But I think I can still gain some useful tools at Skyline, and most of all I can connect with people who have a similar passion.

I'll start off with Guitar 1, even though I have some skill with the guitar, because it's a prerequisite for all the other guitar classes. But I think it'll provide me with exposure playing in front of people; I've spent the past four-plus years playing by myself, like John Mayer,"alone in a room".

I think music in the end is all about community. While creating good music is definitely a skill and an art, in the end music is about bringing people together of different races and walks of life.

While I would like to have a successful career in terms of income and maybe even gain a measure of fame/popularity, I just want to spend the rest of my life doing what I love. I can go into other things that could provide more job security and maybe guarantee to make me more money, but I don't want to waste any more time just trying to survive.

Dreams
Langston Hughes

Hold onto dreams
For if dreams die
Life is like a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

About Damn Time

So could it finally happen? What so many of us have been waiting for?

Mayweather called out Pacquiao, saying he wants a fight on May 2. He said Pacquiao's feeling the pressure after two losses, forgetting that he's won his last 3 fights. Even those two losses, one was obviously a horrible decision against Bradley, and the other was a one in a million shot by Marquez when Pacquiao was up on that fight and going for the kill.

But if there's pressure on anyone, it's Mayweather. If he never fought Pacquiao, it would be a pockmark on his career. If he loses, it's that one on his record that he fears the most. Even if he wins, there will always be that issue of "why didn't he fight Pacquiao when he was still in his prime?" For Pacquiao, there's no pressure, or at least nothing more than the usual fighting for his country. Even if he loses, Mayweather was supposed to beat him anyway.

I don't really care who wins. I just want a good fight. Mayweather will try to run, as is his MO, but Pacquiao has enough quickness still and has a herky-jerky style that should give Mayweather problems. Pacquiao is quicker than the last several fighters Mayweather has gone up against, even Cotto (who's pretty quick himself). But I'm just glad this might FINALLY happen. Although I'm sure Mayweather will come up with some kind of stipulation, maybe not letting Pacquiao wear his beloved Cleto Reyes gloves, for one.

People say Mayweather shouldn't fight guys like Gennady Golovkin or Keith Thurman because they haven't fought any name fighters and "haven't proven themselves". They're beating the crap out of their outclassed opponents. It's just that all the big name fighters are being pussies and don't want to get embarrassed in front of thousands in the stands and millions on TV. People say Pacquiao took an easy fight against Algieri. We know that in hindsight, but before the fight people thought Algieri was a legit opponent. At least he fought a relatively unknown fighter who beat a proven tough fighter in Ruslan Provodnikov. He didn't just take on a known commodity for the cash.

We'll see how the negotiations go. Hopefully the fight does happen, but I wouldn't be surprised if Mayweather proposes some kind of crazy stipulation that would jeopardize it.

Jumping Off

I talked about jumping off a cliff in my last blog. That means me losing about 60 lbs., improving my eduational/job situation, getting my driver's license, buying a car, and really throwing myself into my music. 

But I've been like a parasite, just staying in this warm, depressing place for the past several years.

I know doing all those things I mentioned above will make my life so much better and fulfilling. But I'm afraid to take that first step. I've held on so long to this pain that it's become my blanket, like Linus.

Reminds me of the John Mayer song, "Heart of Life", especially the line "Fear is a friend who's misunderstood." I wonder if that means the fear I thought was keeping me from being the person I want to be is actually what's driving me towards that. Fear of settling for less, of being mediocre, of being a sorry piece of shit.

It's sad that I'm still pining over some girl I haven't seen in over 5 years. But at the same time it's that somewhat traumatic experience that first gave me the courage to let go of my religion and discover truth, and I hope that courage can carry me on towards better things. I have to accept the fact that I don't need her, that I have the ability within me to be the man I want to be.

I see people (hell, I live with someone like this) who kept holding on to something they thought would give their life meaning, and now they live with such regret. They're empty shells of human beings, barely surviving. no joie de vivre. Worse, they suck the life out of people around them, determined to make others feel just as miserable as they do. That's the last thing I want.

Whatever I do, be it writing, sketching, or music, I want to give life to people. To quote Walt Whitman:

That you are here—that life exists and identity,

That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

A cliff named Stephanie

Just the other night I thought about a girl. Not that it's anything unusual; I think about girls all the time. Some I know, but a lot I've never met.

Maybe I'm crazy that I still have feelings for this girl. Or maybe it's, like Frasier Crane said on his radio show when he was trying to console a grieving lady who had just broken up with her boyfriend, me mourning the loss of the life I thought I'd have.

Back in 2007 I thought I knew what I wanted. Even though school at UC Davis didn't work out, I thought it was all part of god's plan. I'd meet the girl of my dreams, we'd fall in love, get married and go into the ministry together. Maybe we'd become lifelong missionaries and convert dozens, if not hundreds, of people. It didn't hurt that she was also a talented musician, on top of being beautiful.

But maybe because I fucked it up or she took my admiration the wrong way, now she doesn't want anything to do with me. I could have just said nothing, and we'd probably still be friends now. But at the time she was considering going to China for a couple of years, and I guess I was afraid to lose her. So I spilled my guts, definitely prematurely, in hopes that maybe that might sway her into staying. Of course, being a good Christian, I was like,"Pray about it and make sure it's god's will", but inside I thought she was awesome and I wanted her to stay.

It wasn't just that she was a Christian, though. She made a Street Fighter reference, and that definitely appealed to my inner nerd. I mean, she was perfect (or so I thought).

Years later, being an agnostic, I doubt we'd get along. I don't know if she's going to do the whole lifelong missionary thing, but she's definitely very into her religion and if she decides to spend the rest of her life with someone, most likely it's someone as devout as she is. That's cool; she can do whatever she wants.

It reminds me of a quote from "Good Will Hunting" that I posted on Facebook earlier this week. Different context, and I don't use the whole quote, but this part I can definitely relate to:
"Most days I wish I'd never met you 'cause then I could sleep at night. I didn't have to walk around with the knowledge that there was someone like you out there."
I know, I know; "there's plenty of fish in the sea", all that jazz. And it's not like I haven't met girls since. But why does this one continue to haunt me to this day? Why the constant need to go to her Facebook page and see her picture every now and again?

There's another line, this time from a John Mayer song: "I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe." (Edge of Desire, Battle Studies) I'll say this: if having her be a part of my life means going back to being a Christian, I'll seriously consider it. Maybe I won't buy into the whole thing hook, line, and sinker like I did in the past, but I'll go to church, Bible study, whatever I have to do if it means having her.

FUCK

I know, moving on is another viable option. Maybe it is what I have to do. I have so much to live for, like music (she probably wouldn't approve of my love of Jimi Hendrix or Led Zeppelin, with all the sexual references). I'm definitely more profane than I was before. Let's say even if she did have some kind of mutual feelings, I'm not that same guy. I've acquired a more cynical, harder edge. I used to be sunshine and rainbows and butterflies; now I'm clouds and thunder and hornets.

I need to get on with things. I need to start really living. I'm on the edge of a cliff, and I see life at the bottom. I just need to jump off and take the plunge.