Every day I come by your house and I pick you up. And we go 

out. We have a few drinks, and a few laughs, and it's great. 

But you know what the best part of my day is? For about ten 

seconds, from when I pull up to the curb and when I get to 

your door, 'cause I think, maybe I'll get up there and I'll 

knock on the door and you won't be there. No goodbye. No 

see you later. No nothing. You just left. I don't know much, 

but I know that.

- Chuckie, "Good Will Hunting"

I'm done. 

Okay, so I'm not totally done because if I only get a part time gig at Guitar Center I might still sub for a couple of days a week, but for the most part I'm done.

Done with the BS. The constantly piling on of more crap to do. I'm just like fuck it. You want to try and implement a program that may or may not work (and if it doesn't work someone could get hurt) and you're just going to stand back and watch while those of us in the "battlefield" go out and put ourselves on the line?

I'm not saying Guitar Center will be heaven. It's still retail, the pay will be a bit less and maybe management is a bunch of douchebags, but at least I'll be somewhere I actually give a crap. In my current job I'm either changing diapers, spoon feeding, trying to keep people from hurting/traumatizing others, etc. Just stupid crap. But at least at GC I'll get to learn more about guitars and gear and get paid for it.

Years ago I promised myself I'd follow my passion, regardless of the money. Not that I'd do it for free; my bills won't pay themselves. But even if I'm going to be making a few less bucks an hour, at least I won't be bored/stressed doing something I'd rather not. Even if I do get stressed selling stuff, it's still about music, damn it!

Got my interview tomorrow. I know I need to sleep, but I'm a bit amped. My last job interview, I was nervous, but in all honesty the whole time I was feeling like I shouldn't follow through, that I would regret it, and I did. If not for some good fortune, I would have been paying for a hospital bill I shouldn't have even gotten because some idiot misread my e-mail and didn't even bother to ask for an explanation.

Anyway, like I said before, it's time to start following my dream. Steven Pressfield's "The War of Art" talks about this lady who was diagnosed with terminal cancer and only had a few months to live, so she quit her job and focused on music. Even when the cancer went into remission she was still all about the music. 

I did one of those interests/career tests, and my results were overwhelmingly artistic. I was also interested in things that encouraged creatively within community. That's what I'm about, ultimately, a community where people are free to express themselves using their innate talents. BTW, I believe talent isn't something you're just born with, but has to be cultivated or even discovered. 

A decade ago I didn't think I could play any instrument, but after I took a piano class at junior college I became pretty decent at piano, and now I've been playing guitar for several years. I'm not great, but I feel like I am progressing, and I can at least play a bit of rhythm guitar and some solos. 

I've gotten into Ed Sheeran recently, and his story is inspiring. Nobody wanted to sign him at first because he was pudgy and had shocking red hair, but thanks to Taylor Swift (who ironically I can't stand) he got his break. Guys is so multifaceted; he can play incredibly touching tunes like "The A Team" or "Thinking Out Loud" while also kick ass lyrically with "You Need Me, I Don't Need You".

John Mayer, my hero, said he didn't expect to get big so soon. He thought he'd be more like Buddy Guy, who didn't get a ton of respect until he was older. Maybe I don't "blow up" right away, or maybe I don't even become a star, but I'm just going to keep plugging away because I love it. Few things excite me more than even laying down a simple melody or riff and then layering instruments over it. I can spend hours doing that.

So why the quote? Because I'm just leaving. Not entirely, but I'm transitioning out. I don't want a freaking farewell tour or anything, just to leave. People will be like,"What happened to that guy?" but I think they'll understand. 7 years grinding away with almost no respect and appreciation, and my dream wasting away, getting more bitter each year. 

I don't want to be the guy who's 63 and bitter as hell because he didn't have the balls to quit his job and do what he was passionate about. In other words, I don't want to be my dad.

It's been awhile. I've just been fucking tired. I know, I complain about my job a lot, and you guys (and by "guys" I mean like 3 people) who actually take the time to read my stuff probably don't want to hear it. So I won't put you through that.

I finally got a doctor's appointment. I know that means nothing to you folks, but it's been at least a decade for me, and thanks to Covered California I qualified for Medi-Cal and I'll be going to the clinic on Thursday for a checkup. BUT before that I plan on going to Guitar Center for an "open interview". I might have mentioned this in my last post, but I forget, it's been so long.

My uncle tried to hook me up with a job at one of the local major hospitals, basically counting specimen cups, but it's hit a snag, and to be honest I kind of hope I don't get it. Yeah, it pays well, benefits, yada yada yada, but I'm done just trying to survive. It's time to follow my dreams.

I did one of those career guide test deals, and I'm definitely all about the art. Basically my dream job is something that is art-based and allows people to be creative while also being very social. I definitely don't want to work in a lab or an office all day, unless it's like an outdoor office with a bar.

In Stephen Pressfield's "The War of Art" he writes about a woman who was diagnosed with a terminal illness quit her job and pursued her love of music. Even when the cancer went into submission, she was still following her dream.

I wish my family was more supportive of my passions, but it's all on me now. 

I've quoted "Dreams" by Langston Hughes, but I'll put it up again:

Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly
Hold fast to dream, for when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow

I've been on this Sinatra kick lately. While it's tempting to wear a fedora and suits Rat Pack-style, I'm more interested in just the musical aspect of it. Great vocal tone, for sure, but what Sinatra's, Billie Holiday's and others of that era's songs did was take you places.

Most music today is consumed in one of three places: the car, the gym, or the club. Sometimes in sporting arenas, but a lot of people either can't afford to go to those places often or simply don't care. But ever since the 1950s, according to Ben Yagoda, music has gone from being complex and sophisticated to simple. Questlove also wrote in a similar vein how black music went from jazz to soul and funk to disco, where instead of relying on instruments and orchestral arrangements producers relied on electronics.

It's gotten to where now only one person can simulate an orchestra. And while that has its perks and has made a lot of people famous and/or rich, it's also taken away from not only the communal aspect of music but the artistic side as well. Music at its core, from the dawn of man where the first music consisted of sounds in nature like clapping rocks together or primitive hoots and yells to imitate animals, was a community undertaking. Yes, there are concerts where people gather, but it's not so much about forming community as it is about the worship of a person or group.

I'm in a couple of John Mayer groups, and it's amazing how all these people from different parts of the world, because of their admiration of one person, can interact and foster relationships. Those pages are forums where not only can people express their appreciation of Mr. Mayer (although there's a lot of that going on, especially by the female fans) but share their love of his music and music in general.

Something Mayer said in his "Where The Light Is" video was "I really hunger for that community". The essence of instrumental music is having several people get together with their own musical tastes and sensibilities throw their ideas in a pot to see what they can cook up. Oftentimes in modern music, though, it's usually one person's ideas and he just calls in this artist or that artist to fit into what he or she wants to do. There might be some input from the guest artist, but usually the main artist already has an idea of where they want that tune to go.

I just started using Garageband, and while it's been fun I'm already starting to see the limits in my own musicality. My sense of rhythm isn't the greatest, and I usually tend to stick to basic rhythms on my Smart Drums tracks. I also don't really have an ear for bass. I'm pretty sure a kickass drummer like Steve Jordan or a killer bass player like a Pino Palladino or Tal Wilkenfeld can come up with crazy rhythmic ideas on the spot. Maybe it's inexperience, but maybe it's also I don't really have the passion for it like I do guitar.

My point is the best music is derived from diversity of ideas and, most importantly, personalities. Not saying that bands make the best music necessarily, but anyone who's open to musical contributions from others to craft great songs and pieces usually end up making great art. That's who I want to be. I want to contribute my vocal and guitar arrangements to make something amazing.

In John Mayer's open letter to D'Angelo, he wrote about how he listened to "Voodoo" on his way to his BS job.

To be clear, I'm not calling the job itself BS. I think being a substitute special education teaching assistant (official title: Paraeducator) is a noble profession, especially if the people doing it are actually doing their job and not just sitting on their asses every day just for a check.

But the frustrating part for me is, like right now, because of the strenuous nature of the job most days I have very little energy left for creativity, whether it's music or drawing. 

I got invited to an open interview at Guitar Center. I know regardless of the fact it's a store that carries music gear, which would be like a kid working in a toy or video game store, it's still retail, and retail hasn't always been thrilling for me. But at least I'd be interested in learning about the products I'd be selling, and I'd have the chance to meet musicians on a daily basis.

I feel like I'd be a breath of fresh air. Instead of having someone with piercings and tats in random places or who has a disdain for the world, I'd be Mr. Everyman. Granted, I still have a disdain for the world, but I can at least do it with a smile on my face when required. =) I also feel like most of the employees at Guitar Center are rockers or metalheads, and I'd provide a little more musical diversity with my affinity for blues, R&B, funk and hip-hop, even jazz and classical. I definitely enjoy rock, and metal's starting to grow on me (although I'd probably never get into death metal), but I'm into other things, too.

I never claimed to be a gearhead or a guitar expert, and I hope even years down the road when I improve in those areas I'll still have that same attitude. The beauty of the guitar is there's so much to learn and so many ways to express yourself. Songs like "Whole Lotta Love" and "Crepuscolo sul mare" have emerged from the same instrument.

I'm definitely ready for change. I might still keep myself available for subbing a couple days a week if I end up working at Guitar Center to supplement my pay. But I'm all about the art.

Sorry I couldn't make this more interesting. I'm beat. I did want to rant earlier about women being shallow b-----s, but first of all it turns out I have family who reads this, so I have to watch the profanity. =)

SONGWRITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So as some of you may know,  I've been wrestling with the guitar for the past four years. I've learned a few chords, some scales, and a handful of techniques. But along the way either I forgot the reason why I picked up the guitar or I never figured it out in the first place.

SONGWRITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

While I'd certainly love to be able to shred like Joe Satriani, ultimately my desire is to express myself by crafting songs. As much as I admire guys like Satriani or Yngwie Malmsteen, to be honest I can only listen to them so much before I switch to a great song that may not have intricate guitar playing but moves me and is just beautifully composed.

Although I'll definitely work on my technique and knowledge of guitar gear, it's all based on putting songs together. All the amps, effects, tunings, etc. I use are all for creation, not just for the sake of knowing them like I've been doing.

There's nothing wrong with dictionaries and encyclopedias, but in the end they don't inspire. I want to be inspired. I want TO inspire.

So this is where I'm headed. By the end of the year I want to have at least an album's worth of songs, if not more. But most of all I want to find my voice through the medium of the guitar.

So yesterday was my dad's 63rd birthday. I realize I've said some horrible things about my dad in my previous post and I'm deeply sorry.

I see where's he at, and for me being half his age it's alarming. He lives with so much regret; it's like in these late years with motorcycles, billiards and karaoke, he's trying to reclaim the mojo he's lost a long time ago. Or maybe he's never had it. 

I think that's the frustrating part about our relationship. He's supposed to be at the stage where he's already gotten all his youthful, experimental desires out of his system, and now he's just appreciating my journey and giving me guidance. Instead, it's almost like we're competing as to who can be young better.

That's what irks me musically. I'm here working on my guitar skills and trying to improve my musicianship. But instead of encouraging me musically, maybe buying me a piece of gear or understanding my music tastes, he's asking me to help find songs so he can win stupid karaoke contests.

At least he pretty much leaves me alone with the gear. He commented once when I got my Martin Backpacker a couple of years ago (which I've sold since), like,"You got a new guitar!" But that's about it. He's seen all my guitars (3, and none cost more than $150), my Zoom G5 and Vox AC1 Rhythm Vox amp but hasn't said anything, which is fine by me.

In the end, I think my music should just be for me. My sisters are mostly into crap dance and pop music, and have virtually no interest in rock, funk, blues, punk, metal or jazz. They like a little R&B, but probably not D'Angelo. My mom's mostly into older light and fluffy pop, like the Bee Gees and Carpenters, and my dad likes the Beatles and some other "light rock" type of groups. If my dad were in high school he's probably be anti-Zeppelin.

But I need to pursue what I like. I need to find my own voice. My folks may or may not like it or get it, but whatever. As long as I'm enjoying myself, that's all that counts.

"And all of our parents, they're getting older. I wonder if they wished for anything better, while in their memories tiny tragedies."
- John Mayer, No Such Thing, Room For Squares

This isn't a pity party, or I'm trying to not turn it into one. But one thing I realized about John chasing his dream is: his parents were both holding down stable jobs and he could afford to go out and pursue his music.

Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury. Both my parents work, but my dad is a selfish douchebag who spends every dime on himself. He hasn't paid rent in years; he's essentially a squatter. Meanwhile, I've had to give approximately $12,000 to my mom over the last four years to help keep my family afloat. My sisters help out, too.

I don't mind helping my mom out, but there's so much I could have done with that extra $12,000. More gear, maybe a car so I can do gigs. 

And the most fucked up thing is my dad doesn't give a shit. He wants me to support his own bullshit karaoke dreams and couldn't give two figs about my guitar playing or songwriting. 

One of the reasons why I don't believe in justice or a god? People like Stevie Ray Vaughan, Duane Allman, Michael Jackson, Marvin Gaye and Jimi Hendrix who had so much more to give to the music world died too early, while people like my dad who have virtually nothing to contribute to society are still breathing.

"I believe that my life's gonna see the love I give return to me"
- Wheel, Heavier Things

Another guy who had a way with words, Alfred Lord Tennyson, wrote,"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Losing love doesn't mean death. It could mean a breakup, or just two people drifting apart because they're going in different life directions.

I've lost a lot of love in that sense. I don't think it's anyone's fault, really. It's just a matter of me being more focused on my music, going in a different spiritual/religious direction, and just growing up. It's pretty sad how there's people who are still clinging to the same relationships they had in high school out of nostalgia. If there's legit love and a bond there, that's great, but I feel like people are afraid to let go of their past and therefore try and hang on to these friends who may really not be good for them.

Like I mentioned in another post, maybe I do come on a bit strong. Some of it could be insecurity, like I'm trying too hard to grab ahold of a person emotionally because I'm afraid to lose them. But it could also be my fearlessness.

I don't give my trust easily, at least not in recent years. It's something people have to earn. But once they earn it, I'm all in. My heart's is in their hands.

I'm too freaking old to worry about getting my feelings hurt or hurting someone else's feelings. That doesn't mean I'm going to be inconsiderate, but I don't want someone who's going to get butt-hurt when I get silly. I don't want to have to walk on eggshells. I've done that enough in my life.

"You know my paper heart, the one I filled with pencil marks. I think I might have gone and inked you in. 

Little by little, inch by inch, we built a yard with a garden in the middle of it. It ain't much, but it's a start. You got me swaying right along to the song in your heart. 

And a face to call home, a face to call home. You got a face to call home."

- A Face To Call Home, Born & Raised

John Mayer's dating history kind of reminds me of Vince Vaughn's before Vaughn settled down with a realtor. A beautiful woman, but prior to her Vaughn had dated actresses like Joey Lauren Adams and Jennifer Aniston (Mayer's ex).

I think John needs that kind of woman, someone beautiful, can be a little fun and crazy, but definitely stable, not some needy drama queen. 

I think that's the kind of girl I and pretty much any other guy would want. But I think a lot of times loneliness coerces us to make unwise decisions when it comes to love. I've considered asking girls out that I know in my heart are wrong for me, but because I want a warm body next to me a lot of nights I'm tempted to go for it anyway.

People say I'm picky because I've never been in any kind of romantic relationship. But I figure if I'm going to spend a long time with this girl, if not the rest of my life, shouldn't I be picky? I know so many people who are in crappy relationships because out of loneliness or whatever reason they decided to hook up with this person and now they're stuck. 

I'm always expecting someone around the corner. Not that I'm "on the hunt" or whatever, but I'm open to the idea that any day could be the day I meet a great girl that I could be with for a while. Heck, I met this girl at a school I've been long-term subbing at who works in the classroom next door. Not only is she gorgeous but she seems really cool. I'll be at this school for at least another week, so hopefully we can get together for at least coffee. Although I did see a ring on her finger, so I gotta make sure it's not an engagement/wedding ring before I make my move. =)

But I get the "face to call home" idea. Someone who you gaze into their eyes and you know you're in a safe place, where you can relax, ease your mind and just be yourself. Reminds me of another song, "Not Myself". Maybe I'll post on that tomorrow.

Happy New Year, everybody! May this be the year you find love, if you haven't already.

(Everytime I listen to "A Face To Call Home", I imagine a house like this)