Just the other night I thought about a girl. Not that it's anything unusual; I think about girls all the time. Some I know, but a lot I've never met.
Maybe I'm crazy that I still have feelings for this girl. Or maybe it's, like Frasier Crane said on his radio show when he was trying to console a grieving lady who had just broken up with her boyfriend, me mourning the loss of the life I thought I'd have.
Back in 2007 I thought I knew what I wanted. Even though school at UC Davis didn't work out, I thought it was all part of god's plan. I'd meet the girl of my dreams, we'd fall in love, get married and go into the ministry together. Maybe we'd become lifelong missionaries and convert dozens, if not hundreds, of people. It didn't hurt that she was also a talented musician, on top of being beautiful.
But maybe because I fucked it up or she took my admiration the wrong way, now she doesn't want anything to do with me. I could have just said nothing, and we'd probably still be friends now. But at the time she was considering going to China for a couple of years, and I guess I was afraid to lose her. So I spilled my guts, definitely prematurely, in hopes that maybe that might sway her into staying. Of course, being a good Christian, I was like,"Pray about it and make sure it's god's will", but inside I thought she was awesome and I wanted her to stay.
It wasn't just that she was a Christian, though. She made a Street Fighter reference, and that definitely appealed to my inner nerd. I mean, she was perfect (or so I thought).
Years later, being an agnostic, I doubt we'd get along. I don't know if she's going to do the whole lifelong missionary thing, but she's definitely very into her religion and if she decides to spend the rest of her life with someone, most likely it's someone as devout as she is. That's cool; she can do whatever she wants.
It reminds me of a quote from "Good Will Hunting" that I posted on Facebook earlier this week. Different context, and I don't use the whole quote, but this part I can definitely relate to:
"Most days I wish I'd never met you 'cause then I could sleep at night. I didn't have to walk around with the knowledge that there was someone like you out there."
I know, I know; "there's plenty of fish in the sea", all that jazz. And it's not like I haven't met girls since. But why does this one continue to haunt me to this day? Why the constant need to go to her Facebook page and see her picture every now and again?
There's another line, this time from a John Mayer song: "I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe." (Edge of Desire, Battle Studies) I'll say this: if having her be a part of my life means going back to being a Christian, I'll seriously consider it. Maybe I won't buy into the whole thing hook, line, and sinker like I did in the past, but I'll go to church, Bible study, whatever I have to do if it means having her.
FUCK
I know, moving on is another viable option. Maybe it is what I have to do. I have so much to live for, like music (she probably wouldn't approve of my love of Jimi Hendrix or Led Zeppelin, with all the sexual references). I'm definitely more profane than I was before. Let's say even if she did have some kind of mutual feelings, I'm not that same guy. I've acquired a more cynical, harder edge. I used to be sunshine and rainbows and butterflies; now I'm clouds and thunder and hornets.
I need to get on with things. I need to start really living. I'm on the edge of a cliff, and I see life at the bottom. I just need to jump off and take the plunge.
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